Lost.

Wednesday, 3 May 2017

I've been here before. 
I know the old familiar feeling so well, yet every time feels slightly different and slightly more desperate. I guess it's because I get to grips with it, so when it comes back it has to be worse for it to affect me

Drowning in depression

So here I am again. Lost. sinking. drowning. I'm here but I'm not. I smile and laugh but I don't 'feel' anymore I'm just cold. I feel like I'm a passenger in my own story, I can see my life happening and I'm going through the motions with it but I feel like I'm in a bubble and no-one can hear me screaming and no-one even notices.

I've been staring at my screen for hours, literal hours. How do I put into words what's happening in my head when I don't even understand myself? I used to have safety mechanisms, methods in place to bring me back and yet they were associated with people that don't exist in my world anymore

What do you do when the only way you know back doesn't exist anymore?

So I just keep plodding on, sinking deeper. I don't know when this happened. My life is drastically different than this time a year ago but all in all I'm happy with it and yet I'm back in this black hole. I know it's stupid trying to pinpoint things or assign a reason, because there is no reason. 
Depression doesn't need a reason, the darkness descends at any given moment and envelops everything about you.

I'm lost, dazed, confused and really don't know how to claw my way back. I will. I have before and I will again it's just right now I can't see that. I need a light at the end of the tunnel, I need something to drag me back and stop the tears. They're happening a lot lately, and I've noticed myself coming up with stupid reasons to not do the things I love. I'm becoming withdrawn and I hate myself for letting it win and letting it affect me

I've stopped it for so long sometimes I just don't want to fight any more and don't know how to - I guess this is me
Drowning
Lost
Again.



Alice Megan

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3 comments

  1. Oh Alice please know that you are not alone, I've battled and still battle depression. Please make an appointment and speak to your GP don't suffer in silence. Keep on reaching out and there will be many hands along the way to help you x

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  2. Oh lovely. I feel so sad reading this. I really hope you manage to find your way out and there is a light there waiting for you. I know exactly how you feel and you know where I am if you need to talk or just anything xx

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  3. Sending hugs ... it's been way too long since we've had a chat. I have no idea what I can do to help (probably nothing) but I'm always around if you want someone to talk to xxx

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